I think, therefore I am.

I hate being told that I think too much. Isn't that what a brain is for? It's the proof to myself of my very existence. Je pense, donc je suis. Cogito, ergo sum. Descartes was onto something.

If I couldn't ponder, or fantasize, or imagine all possible outcomes so I can try to make the best choice, or imagine what I could achieve, or savour all the good memories I have amassed, and so on and so forth...what's the point of having a brain? Just so I can maintain the ability to keep myself alive and functioning?

My brain is all I have. Don't tell me I think too much.

The Hostess

I stopped speaking and smiling roughly an hour ago. No, that's not entirely true; when I happen to be standing behind my podium while people are leaving, I manage to grind out a (passably) convincngly cheerful, "Thank you! Have a good night! Take care!" and an automatic smile that, I'm sure, they can't tell from that distance doesn't quite reach my exhausted eyes.

I honestly really want to be more chipper, if just to support my manager who has to be here to close the restaurant, because he's sweet and wonderful and caring and understanding and he pats me on the hip in support when he starts to notice that I'm tired and he sings me Lady Gaga whenever we run into each other in the kitchen.

Every time I walk past the cocktail party with the beautiful, gift-shaped cake, I eye their cake longingly, hope they won't finish it and that they will leave soon and decide not to bring the rest home so that I can have a piece. It hurt me to clear up a plate with a virtually untouched slice on it. Someone took one bite and decided to not have any more; how wasteful! I almost want to pinch off a corner and stick it in my mouth covertly when I get into the kitchen but I don't, because it's not the best of times when it comes to contagious diseases.

I'm so, so tired. My feet hurt so much I'm starting to walk with a swagger that could rival the most hardcore rappers out there. I keep willing people to leave soon so that we can call it a day, but I cringe inwardly at the thought of having to clear up everything for all four of the huge parties going on when they finally, finally go. But I have to keep on chugging because I have goals to reach, places to go, things to do.

Just two more hours...

Still

Everything Else

What I Did & Learned in 2009

What I Did in 2009:

1. met my first love
   
2. was besotted with another human being in a way I had never been before (i.e. boundlessly and completely selflessly, almost to the point of self-destruction)
3. had my heart broken twice
   
4. lost 17 pounds (and counting!)
5. found a much-needed job
6. made a very anti-climactic return home from Europe
7. positively pined to move back
   
8. got into and began a postgrad program
9. taught myself katakana
10. rode the same canon twice in Monaco (no, that's not a euphemism for anything)
11. got hit on by an old, Italian director in Cannes
12. wrote the LSATs twice
13. totaled my car
14. got a new one
15. taught myself to cook almost decently
16. knit in front of the Mediterranean for a few months, which was heavenly except for the creepers bothering me
    
17. went to Alaska and met locals who were just the kind of people Rick Mercer would interview
18. had a family reunion in Toronto
19. lived in glamorous poverty (and virtually without hot water) in Nice
20. chilled in Air Canada's VIP room! :D
21. endured a 7h10min layover in Heathrow
22. after that, raced through Heathrow like a madwoman on several occasions and cussed myself out in my head every time for choosing such short layovers
23. went to Paris for the third time
24. masqueraded as an HEC student and snuck into MBA parties :D
25. made the conscious decision to commit my greatest act of love - tolerating an insufferable, abusive person for the sake of someone important to me
    

What I Learned in 2009:

1. I have a waist!
2. I have more willpower and self-control than I give myself credit for
3. I have what it takes to follow my dream of moving to Spain
4. "big, brown eyes can hypnotize"
5. "there’s nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm"
6. how to say the words dimples, sweater, pants, jeans and cup in Dutch
7. how to sing the Ajax Amsterdam song
8. drinking isn't really that fun
   
9. how to eat healthy - and that it's not so bad
10. Japan is the most fun place in the world!
11. Amsterdam is the most romantic place in the world
12. if you get a couple people to take your picture on the Croisette at the Cannes Film Festival, other people will follow suit even though they have no idea who you are, and then you'll get let into exclusive parties even though you're nobody
    
13. European boys > North American boys
14. there's nothing in Alaska but rain and Palins - and disappointingly small icebergs
15. cruises are not my cup of tea (as ungrateful as that sounds)
    
16. not to pick up the phone if I don't recognize the number on call display
17. (non-discount) European airlines serve free booze and provide excellent service
18. there's a famine of cute boys in Nice and an overabundance in Paris (at least at HEC)
19. if you don't get hit on on the streets of Nice (or anywhere in France, Italy and Spain, really) you know you're looking really nasty
20. European women have feet of steel - they can last all day walking around in killer heels
21. not to trust out-of-country landlords
22. what my "type" is (personality-wise, anyway)
23. relationships based on friendship, respect and mutual admiration are so much better than ones based on just initial attraction
    
24. cultural exchanges are just about the best things ever and my biggest reward out of studying abroad
25. I am capable