Thursday, December 27, 2012

2012 In Review

"Our tree is EXPLODING with presents!" the little ones exclaimed gleefully after everyone set down their contributions. :)

2012 was a year of big changes and lots of learning for me:

1.) I underwent a pretty significant, personal transformation. I’m lucky that it was even possible because I know it isn’t for everyone, but it reiterated how important hard work is to me. Everything I enjoy is hard-fought.

2.) I experienced two new flavours of unhappiness. One is very subtle; instinctively I kind of know something is wrong but I sort of ignore it because I hope things will work out. It translates to a roiling, semi-permanent, uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach that is just always there and at first I don’t even know why it exists. Then one day I piece it all together and do the right but very difficult thing to eliminate it from my life. This is the much easier one to deal with.

The other new flavour of unhappiness that I experienced is the grief of loss – loss that is very close to home. As a writer, I’m kind of embarrassed because I can’t even really describe how terrible it is. The finality of it is so devastating because I know without a doubt that nothing will ever be the same again, that there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it, that I’ll have to learn to move on. This was amplified by the fact that this loss was linked to a huge, raw, gaping void I’ve had in my heart all my life, and that it has completely changed the life of the most important person in the world to me. I had no idea how to help her through it because I was completely devastated and grief-stricken myself, so I’ve just been winging it and I hope it’s going to be enough. At one point I thought that no one could appreciate how difficult the situation has been on me but I’ve come to learn that I’m not alone and that some people do understand, which I’m enormously grateful for.

3.) Again, I have no idea what I would’ve done without the emotional support of my friends.

4.) I’ve wanted kids since high school but after being exposed to the MANY not fun, not cute, not heart-warming parts of child-rearing, I’m starting to have large doubts. LARGE. Also, for a while I thought I wouldn't want or be able to spank my children, but, damn, I don't think I'd be able to tolerate the kind of bullshit I see kids pulling with their parents.

5.) I learned that I’m not that shallow and vain after all. Apparently happiness really is more important to me than superficial things.

6.) Apparently I attract educated men – particularly doctors. (I think I'm probably too complicated for dumb men.) This has been very gratifying to my ego because I think that if I were a single, male doctor or if I were a guy in med school, I’d leverage my education to get me the hottest girl I could possibly get my hands on. :P But I've also learned that I should not be going out with doctors or dentists; I don't care how much money they make or could potentially make.  It's like they're a whole different breed of people.  I can't deal with those egos, among other attributes.

7.) The Madonna-Whore Complex is alive, well, and very, very common.

8.) I’m learning to let go of grudges. There’s a lot to be said for forgiveness.

9.) For a long time I was really stumped about what I should do with my life (career-wise), and even after I'd made my choice, I was doubting whether it was the right thing for me.  I've come to realize that I really do have a natural instinct and talent for marketing and communications - even if I seem to be able to apply my talent more effectively in unconventional ways that don't have much to do with my career. :P

10.) I learned what it feels like to have someone adore the sh*t out of me, which is wonderful. This came at an especially good time because I’d been largely ignored (or, at least, severely neglected) for two and a half months earlier, so the contrast was and is stark. I hope he sticks around. :)

I hope you've all had a wonderful 2012 and I wish you a very, very happy new year!!!


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