Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Sweetheartisms & Sh*t I Say to My Boyfriend

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After many raised eyebrows, it's occurred to me that Sweetheart and I apparently have a very quotable relationship.  These are the kinds of sweet nothings we say to each other:

-Is that Orgasm all over your face or are you just happy to see me?
-You’d look great in Period Red. *smears lipstick tester on me*
-I’d never put my d*ck in Lindsay Lohan.
-You’re too pretty to be a hooker.
-douchesuit – n. [doosh'soot] a suit that a douche would buy
-You're right-assed.
-We had a chicken’s period for breakfast this morning.
-You’re not allowed to send photos of me to other women!
-When I meet your mom for the first time, I’m going to wait until you’re in the washroom and then ask her to give you more food because you’re eating for two*.
-Your womb will be unrecognizable after having my 7 children. It’s going to be like a WWI war zone. Your womb’s going to look like Vimy Ridge.
-I like when you look feminine.
-I'm right because I'm bigger than you.
-You'd better eat something, or else you're going to go home and your mom's gonna go, "That boy's not feeding you!"
-It's least you're pretty.
-I love the SHIT outta you.

Sh*t I Say to My Boyfriend
-Let me explain the anatomy of a tampon to you.
-Boys are so gross!
-You need to listen to me because I know things, and I make sh*t happen, and I get sh*t done.
-Say goodbye to the pretty face; it'll be gone after I get out of the shower.
-You're like my flower!
-Have you broken your nose before? (“No.”) Oh. (“Why?”) Uh…no reason.
-You're not right about everything!!!
-Do I need to scratch my balls, too?
-I was just imagining what it would be like to put makeup on you.
-Your girlfriend's looking preeetty rough today.  If you run into people you know on the street, they're going to be like, "Man, your girlfriend looks like she's had a tough life.  She must've done some haaard livin'!"
-I'm right because I'm prettier than you.
-I’m going to stick a tail up your butt while you’re sleeping.
-My mom and her friend were Facebook-stalking you.
-Nobody goes to strip clubs for true love, silly.
-I'm right, AND I'm the boss of you.

*This is not an announcement, but an example of his inappropriate sense of humour.

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