Monday, July 2, 2012

NaBloPoMo Day 2: Why I'd Be A Great WAG

I'm still riding the high from Spain's big, history-making win yesterday!

Some of my favourite parts of championship soccer finals actually are not the matches themselves, but the bits preceding and following the game - namely, when the footballers stroll onto the pitch holding the hands of little kids, and afterwards, when the winning team members bring their babies/young relatives onto the field.

If you follow my Twitter, you may recall some of my tweets about how, um, happy I feel when I see footballers with young children.  I squealed internally when the sportscaster commented on how Fernando Torres "had his hands full" walking around with little Nora & Leo on each arm.  I had to suppress a high-pitched awww at the photo Sergio Ramos tweeted of him holding the Euro Cup and hugging his niece, who he described as the world's most beautiful.

Consequently, I was reminded yesterday of my deep-seated desire to be a soccer WAG (Wife And Girlfriend).  I really, really want to.  And I am absolutely certain I would make an excellent one.  So I thought I would list all the reasons why I'd make a great WAG, in case any prospective FHABs (Footballer Husbands and Boyfriends) ever decide to look on the internet for candidates.

This list was created chiefly with Spanish footies in mind, but I wouldn't say no to some notable exceptions, such as Yoann Gourcuff, Robin van Persie, Marco Borriello, Olivier Giroud, or Pablo Osvaldo, for example.

So! My dear, prospective FHABs, this is why I'd make a great WAG (in no particular order):

1.) Bragging rights!  Who in La Liga - or any other European league, for that matter - can say that they have a hot Asian girlfriend/wife?  No one!  And you know they've all always wanted to know what it's like.  You can be the smug person who can inform them from experience that it surpasses anything they can ever dream of. ;)

2.) I'm young, healthy, and fertile; we can have babies whenever we're ready, provided everything's in good, working order on your end.  (It's my understanding that most footballers like & want to have kids.)

3.) I'm very emotionally stable and I don't play mind games.  Remember your crazy ex(es)?  I'll be the most level-headed, even-tempered, chillest girl you'll ever date/marry.

4.) You can have all the freedom you want & need.  I'm a very independent person and I'm as understanding as they come.  This means I'll never check up on you, "test" you, keep any kind of tabs on you, demand that you tell me where you are, what you're doing, and who you're with 24/7.

5.) I pride myself on how dedicated and committed I am.  That means that if I were a WAG, I would throw myself 100% unreservedly into ensuring I look the part.  I'll do whatever it takes - work out with a personal trainer 7 days a week, eat exclusively healthy food for the rest of my life, make sure I wear a full face of makeup whenever we're in public, wear only high, high heels (which, I mean, if you've ever tried on a pair you'd know what a sacrifice and grand gesture of love this is), get regular services to maintain my appearance (e.g. facials, waxes, body wraps, manicures & pedicures, etc.), dress the part...absolutely anything it takes, I will do it all, do it regularly, and do it happily.

6.) Speaking of which, I naturally have super long, lush, beautiful hair, so I won't ever need to get extensions.  That translates to less money for you to spend and no worries at all that you'll literally yank out fistfuls of my hair during moments of passion.  Also, you can rest assured that you're not actually touching another person's hair (EW!) when you run your fingers through my tresses - because you know that the best extensions - the ones all your colleagues' WAGs use - are made of real human hair, right?

7.) I also have naturally strong, long, beautiful fingernails, so I won't need to get those gross, thick, pornstarry gel nails.  Unless you like them.

8.) Plus I'm naturally already golden in colour year-round, so I won't need to tan myself into a leathery mess & consequently, I'll age slower than your peers' significant others.

9.) I'll be a very good mother, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, etc. - basically, I will love your whole family with all my heart as if they were my own.

10.)  I'm not a gold-digger; I have a career & make my own money.  I won't love you because you're wealthy; I'll love you because you're hot talented. And athletic. And hard-working. And dedicated. And, hopefully, a good person with a good head on his shoulders.

11.) I will attend every single game if you want me to.  I will enjoy it and passionately cheer for you & your team.

12.)  Also, I'm good luck and always root for winning teams - it may interest you to know that my favourite team (Spanish National) has won two major international titles since I started supporting them, including their first FIFA World Cup ever & their second consecutive UEFA Euro Cup!

13.) I'm generally a girls' girl and will get along with the other WAGs.  I'll be fine hanging out with them when I'm on the road with you.

14.) Don't worry about cultural or language barriers; I adapt quickly and probably already speak your language.  If I don't speak your mother tongue, I am a fast learner & will happily learn it so that I'll be able to communicate with you, your friends and family.  I'll immerse and integrate myself into your culture.  Best of all, I won't expect you learn Chinese, because I know it's very difficult, and because I understand that you have more pressing things to worry about, like loving me, loving our babies, maintaining your hotness honing your craft, and winning matches, titles & championships.  (But if you want to improve your English/French/Spanish/Cantonese/Mandarin, I'll gladly teach you; I'm a very good teacher!)

15.) I will happily relocate whenever you change clubs, especially if it's in Western Europe, and make a home for you anywhere in the world.  In fact, wherever we move, I will quickly discover all the best places to eat, shop, and hang out, so that we can love life together.

16.) I'm an amazing cook.  True story.  And even if I've avoided cooking as much as I can all my life, I will enthusiastically cook for you and our babies.  I'll even ensure that you receive optimal nutrition for optimal performance.

17.) I will do an exemplary job of celebrating all your wins with you and, um, comforting you after every loss - god forbid!

18.) I will be completely loyal and faithful to you, and I will never take our business to the media.

19.) I don't smoke or do drugs.  I'm also clean & free of diseases.  That's pretty important, right?

20.) I give a great back/shoulder rub.

Let's stop at 20, shall we?  Because that's a good number and really, I can go on.  Interested FHABs please email or tweet me!


No comments: