Monday, July 23, 2012

The Oversharing Daughter

Petite. Both vertically and horizontally. (Is this a pattern?) A total weirdo packaged in a very normal-seeming exterior.

Within the first 15 minutes of meeting her she seems just like anyone else…but then we learn that
she habitually, regularly, and voluntarily has explicit conversations with her mother about sex. Not sex in the hypothetical sense, but actual things that she has done or plans to do. Nothing is off limits – preferable positions, potential and current partners, techniques, even performance and appearances. She asks her mother for advice, and her mama will happily dole it out based on her own experiences.

It doesn’t bother her to hear about her mother’s sexual history and experience. Neither does it bother her to disclose such information about herself to a parent. In fact, she ONLY feels comfortable discussing sex with her mother and she would never talk to her friends about it, supposedly because her friends usually know who she’s dating and her mother doesn’t, and she doesn’t want anything she says to get back to him – so essentially, she is protecting the anonymity of her sexual partners (?!).  I couldn't help but think that she must have had very bad luck in the sexual experiences department if she's always afraid that what she says about her partners will get back to them.  Also, she must have no good friends!

At our increasingly poorly-disguised WTF faces, she starts to soften the situation a little. She talks to her mom about practical issues, she says, like which positions are the least likely to leave her pregnant, because she would never get an abortion.  Also, she doesn’t know the correct Chinese terms for a lot of sex-related vocab, she says, so really, the conversations aren't as explicit as we think.

We asked her how she discusses sex without using the proper terms, and she said that she uses euphemisms like “sleep.” So we took it upon ourselves to figure out how one would use that word to discuss certain acts.  This is what we came up with:

girl on top = "I slept on his c*ck"
blowjob = "I fell asleep with his d*ck in my mouth"
doggy-style = "I sleepwalked backwards onto his penis"

But how would one actually articulate such things to one's mother?!

"We just have that kind of relationship," Oversharer said, with an undisguised holier-and-more-enlightened-than-thou tone. "Our relationship is just that amazing.  We're completely open and honest to each other because we find that to be much more efficient.  I tell my mother absolutely everything."  Her tipped-up chin and her lowered eyelids clearly told us that her way of living is The Right Way and that if we disagree we are Wrong.  Moreover, we just don't understand because we're not at her level, we're not as evolved and mature as she is, and our relationships with our mothers clearly are not as strong or close as hers.

Look, I get it.  I do.  I was raised by a single mother, with whom I have a great relationship, and I share a lot with her.  But I draw the line at other people's genitals and what I do with them, you know?

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